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I received a request a while back to write a post on how to make friends in a new city, but I decided to take this prompt and turn it into the more broad subject of how to make friends as an adult. I realized that it doesn’t matter if you’re in a new city… making friends in your current city may be hard even if it isn’t new! I thought it was an interesting topic that needed to be discussed, but I had no idea how many of you would agree. I did a quick poll on my Instagram and was surprised at how many of you voted to hear more on this topic. It was closely followed by a request to post about collagen and a need for a wine and french fry pairing, but still! To be quite frank the fact that this was number one further solidifies my point that friendships are hard work.

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Adult friendships are tough. I’m not even talking about after you get married and if you have kids kind of hard. I mean tough in general. One of my realizations in the past year was that everyone goes through friendship woes. Because no one talks about it, I honestly thought I was alone and that there was something wrong with me. I’m not sure if I just take it more personally when a friend decides to ghost me for life (that sounds dramatic) or what, but I feel the weight of it very heavily. I still have friendships that I mourn and I am almost 30! I’m sure it’s something I should go to therapy for, but all those feelings don’t necessarily make me want to find new friends. Trying to make new friends is like dating but scarier in my opinion. Plus, who has time to go on a bunch of different friend dates to try them out?! I mean I even have current friendships that almost feel one sided. Why would I want to add onto that? It also doesn’t help that I’m fine being alone and swing more in the direction of introvert than extrovert. Anyone else? No? Okay… here I am alone again. Hah! If you want to know more about this topic, I actually wrote a post on Adult Friendships and Other Things People Don’t Talk About several years ago, so this isn’t new for me. Another great resource is Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst. I think ALL women should read this book.

Okay let’s get into actual tips, because me spilling my guts may make you feel not so alone, but they aren’t practical tips.

Discover a hobby. Maybe you already have something you love like surfing or reading, but there are tons of groups / meet-ups that talk over their basic interests. The bonus of this is that you already have something in common. You can also take classes for new interests whether it’s a painting class, a course in school, a similar yoga time, or maybe a “how to” class. There are plenty of people to meet and you all have at least one thing to discuss already!! My sister met some of her newer friends when she was getting her Masters. Befriend people and be kind in general, but also because you never know what might come of it!
Get a dog. No really, I mean it! Not only will it get you out of your house, but you meet so many more people with a pup. When we got Dino in Dallas, neighbors who typically didn’t speak to us or take an interest in us at all, began to chat with us. Who knows, your dog may even find a best friend too! Dogs are cute and honestly great ice breakers, but they do take work. The snuggles are worth it, but it is NOT the same as having a cat. We have 1 dog and 2 cats for reference.
Locate a group. This is kind of the same as the hobby / interest bullet point, but they are much more broad. When I graduated from college, there was a group called Circle 75 that was great for single girls, especially those new to the city. It doesn’t exist anymore, but there are similar things to join. Most cities have a Junior League (I’ve honestly been looking into the LA chapter - they do a ton of volunteer work!) or you can even try Bumble BFF! There’s a club in LA called Quilt that connects women and holds events. There is a membership fee for some events but it isn’t that much money and isn’t as big of a commitment as say Junior League. It is more of a social aspect than volunteer aspect. You can also find friends and groups through a church - I found a girls group here in LA pre-pandemic and it was nice to hang and meet with them. There’s also a cool thing called Lunch Club that Nick has been doing. One day a week he connects with someone within a specific industry. (You list your interests and professional industry / or one you desire to learn more about.) You essentially have a video call with someone over your lunch hour! For an introvert like me, having a video conference with a stranger that isn’t an interview literally makes me break into hives, but Nick is an extrovert and has been enjoying it. You may not find best friends out of these things, but you will form connections, which very well could lead to friendships ;)
Include others. Okay so I’m not going to events right now, but when I was, I tried my best to take notice of those who were alone and either invite them to sit with me or ask to sit by them. It’s a super easy way to strike up a conversation and meet new people.

Maybe those tips aren’t really helpful if you are in an abusive / toxic friendship. Or maybe just one that has been one sided for too long. You don’t have to be mean, but know you can step away from those that aren’t working out anymore. My friend Kaisha recently posted this quote by Annie C. White. She said “You can’t make someone love you by giving them more of what they already don’t appreciate.” I’m all for serving others and putting them before myself, but at some point it may not be healthy anymore. I have a problem of thinking I can make someone want to be my friend by giving, giving, and giving some more, but that often just leaves me feeling empty and sad. If they don’t appreciate you as a person, doing anything on top of that won’t help and will only prolong the use / hurt at that. I didn’t mean to get all deep with this, but I felt it was important to say. If I struggle with it, it is likely at least one of you struggles with it too. There were SO many of you who voted for this topic, it honestly made me feel like I wasn’t alone, so I hope this makes you feel the same way. Now when hurtful friendships come to mind, I end of praying for them or shooting them a text if we are on that level. They may not respond, but hopefully it means something to them too. It provides me with a bit of peace about the situation too.

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Good luck! I hope you find some new friends and maybe rekindle some old ones. Let me know if you have any tips or organizations that assist with adult friendships too. Would love to check them out. XOXO