Should You Date a Co-Worker?
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Happy Valentineās Day week! When I scheduled out this post, I knew I wanted it to go live the week of V-Day, because love is in the air! Last year I asked you if you have any topic requests for the Women in the Workplace Wednesday series and one was about dating a co-worker. I loved this idea and ran with it! Itās something people do all the time - whether it you know about it or not!
Nick and I actually met at my first job out of college. Nooo, we didnāt work together though ;) We both graduated from Baylor, but never knew each other there. We did have mutual friends - one who I sat across from at the office! He would come in to use her employee discount and bada bing, bada boom, here we are.
Because Iāve never dated anyone I worked with, I donāt have much advice to give. I do think that it is pretty similar to dating someone you go to school withā¦ you might have class with them or have to work on a project with them, buuut with a little more on the line. This is your livelihood we are talking about! Regardless, I donāt have much to say on t his topic, so I have some people who have done it before, giving their advice. I have people who didnāt work out, those who are still together, those who are engaged/married, anddd perspective from Human Resources. I know you didnāt click on this post to hear me babble, so letās get to it! Everyone answered the same questions. Enjoy!
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NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE
CASE 1:
Status ? Broken up. They broke up with me. The reason was unclear Initially but I think it boiled down to they didnāt want to commit further. They did try to guilt me into getting back together with him which was awkward.
Who did you date? I dated my boss from when I worked at my on campus college job.
Do/did you work together everyday? In what kind of capacity? We worked in a warehouse and I reported directly to them. We interacted with each other each shift and frequently.
How did you go into it wholeheartedly knowing it had a possibility of not working out and affecting your career? Initially we kept it a secret and then a coworker blackmailed us by emailing our manager. After that we had to sign some papers and the department head had to talk with us (awkward). We kept it pretty professional and it was a year with no one knowing before the person who outed. I always knew it would impact me somehow and I did end up quitting because after they broke up with me (at the semester end, I just declined to work there the following semester). They were unprofessional and would make me feel uncomfortable if it was just the two of us working.
If you broke up how awkward was it/did it affect work? It really sucked for a while. They gave me mixed signals of regretting breaking up with me and enjoying his new singleness. After a while I decided to own my happiness and I think they became jealous of that. I started seeing someone else and thatās when they became more unprofessional. Ultimately I decided to leave by making a clean break and not returning.
Did your company know? If not, did people at work know or was it a secret? How did you tell your coworkers if you did? Or did they accidentally find out? Initially HR/our manager did not know but our relationship came to light because of a fellow employee emailing our manager. She was let go for performance problems but then emailed asking if it was because we were in a relationship. Awkward. I did have a few coworkers I was friends with that knew but never said anything.
Would you date someone you worked with again/would you recommend it? Iām happily married now so I would say no ;) If I was still single I would still say no because I experienced a pretty negative result. I know that it really depends on the situation and people, my current manager is married to someone on our floor. In fact, I know of several people at my current employer who are dating or married. I think it comes down to preference and the people involved. I wouldnāt mind if my spouse worked with me as long as we had our separate teams/departments. For me, the distinction between work and home is important, perhaps because of my previous experience.
What is your advice for dating someone you know? I know when you are initially approaching the idea it is an emotional time and so thinking logically is harder. I was young (18) and they were older and my boss (28?) so I felt excited by the prospect and honestly I was naive to the possible consequences. My biggest piece of advice is that if you do want to pursue dating them, be realistic of the possible outcomes at the far ends of the spectrum and ask yourself if you are ok with either happening. There are other professional consequences to consider as well. Think it through, as much as you can.
How does working with your s/o affect your personal relationship? Any tips for separating the two? Lines between your professional self and personal self can be easily blurred if you do not actively work to keep them in check. I think because we had a boss/subordinate relationship it was harder to walk out the door and be equals. Admittedly, at the time I was not great about working on this or working on improving communication. As long as you set boundaries initially I think that will set the tone moving forward.
What are the positives and negatives to dating someone you work with? I love quality time so getting to see them an extra 19.5 hours was a bonus for me. On the flip side of that if we were fighting it was hard to approach them with reasonable work questions.
Anything else? O think that there are great success stories for coworkers that have dated. While my situation did not end happily Iām glad that I gained experience and ultimately if I hadnāt of dated my boss I wouldnāt of met my spouse ā so I can thank them for that ;) I think if you are considering dating a coworker you are the only one who knows how comfortable you are with the situation so do a deep internal dive before making a big decision.
CASE 2
Status ? We are broken up.
Who did you date? Dated a peer in a small company, but different departments. They were a higher rank than me on their team, but I was in a role that had access to more confidential information (like HR but not exactly).
Do/did you work together everyday? In what kind of capacity? We were on separate teams, but worked together sometimes because I was in an umbrella role that dealt with every department in the company.
How did you go into it wholeheartedly knowing it had a possibility of not working out and affecting your career? We had always had an attraction/crush so felt we would always wonder if we didn't try. I think we thought we were mature enough to not let our feelings affect our work, but looking back, I think it was work that bonded us and dominated most of our conversations.
If you broke up how awkward was it/did it affect work? What made our post-breakup so awkward is that our relationship ended because I met someone outside our company that I felt stronger about and wanted to pursue. It didn't affect our work per se, but we eliminated our social interactions with one another after our breakup. I would be lying if I said I didn't try to avoid them for a while.
Did your company know? If not, did people at work know or was it a secret? How did you tell your coworkers if you did? Or did they accidentally find out? Our company did not know about our relationship and still doesn't. This was a bigger priority for them than for me. It made dating each other hard because we didn't want to run into anyone after-hours and didn't mingle our friend groups together in fear that another co-worker would find out. Looking back, there were too many rules we set for ourselves in an effort to keep things quiet.
Would you date someone you worked with again/would you recommend it? I would not recommend dating someone you work with if you both don't see something serious working out. You have to be willing to take a stand for your relationship when it comes down to it. I will say it was nice to have someone to bond with over work issues that could actually empathize, but you need more than that to sustain a good long-term relationship. We just didn't have that and we were so limited in our activities being secretive that we ran out of steam quickly after that initial spark. We couldn't share our lives like normal couples could. I'm not sure I would do it again knowing the outcome.
What is your advice for dating someone you know? My advice is don't keep it a secret. If you're serious about it, you should be open about it and follow any HR policies. People will talk either way and it's not worth it sneaking around. If your company has strict HR policies, make sure one of you is okay with finding a new job (and be in agreement of who that person is).
How does working with your s/o affect your personal relationship? Any tips for separating the two? You have to make a conscious effort to not talk about work. My company was small so we knew the same people and had the same frustrations about the politics. We found comfort confiding in one another, but I think it's more important to invest time and energy together in outside hobbies and experiences. Create a life outside of work.
What are the positives and negatives to dating someone you work with? The positive is that you have someone that probably understands the life where you spend most of your time. They understand your work frustrations and can offer you valuable advice or at least let you vent and actually get it. You also can "bump" into them into the hall and get to see each other during the day or go to lunch. Negative is that it's so much more complicated, people will have assumptions and thoughts that might overshadow your work or career, or you have to keep it a secret because you don't want anyone to see you differently. Perception is often important in growing a career and it's hard to manage that when you're dating a co-worker. You don't want anyone thinking you're giving each other special treatment.
Anything else? Since my relationship didn't work out, I wouldn't say I regret it, but some thoughts of our time together makes me uncomfortable. If I pass them in the hall or send them an email, I can't help but think that he's seen me naked.
CASE 3
Status? Broken up with the co-worker. Married to someone better!
Who did you date? Peer, I worked for an engineering company and I was an administrative assistant and he was a quality assurance engineer, on the same project.
Do/did you work together everyday? In what kind of capacity? When we dated we didnāt work together everyday because I reported mostly to a project manager, but also handled projects for others. I would mostly have to order supplies for others and book travel.
How did you go into it wholeheartedly knowing it had a possibility of not working out and affecting your career? I did not want to be an administrative assistant for my whole life, I was working on my Masters degree for School Counseling and it was a job to help support that. I went head first because I had not dated in a while and really liked them.
If you broke up how awkward was it/did it affect work? SUPER AWKWARD! They broke up with me and then ignored me and acted like I didnāt exist. To the point where I had held the door for people including him and they didnāt acknowledge me or say thank you after everyone else did. They would also walk around the floor and actively avoid my cubicle.
Did your company know? If not, did people at work know or was it a secret? How did you tell your coworkers if you did? Or did they accidentally find out? We didnāt keep it a secret but we didnāt blast it around. Being one of a handful of available people I would get flirted with a lot, not in a harassing way. People were surprised when they found out, we would go to lunch and talk (they would frequent my desk a lot) so it wasnāt unknown.
Would you date someone you worked with again/would you recommend it? No and no, after that experience and being made to feel I did something wrong afterwards I swore I would never date a coworker again.
What is your advice for dating someone you know? I would tell them to think about it real hard before jumping in. Get to know them before making a decision to see if you think it will last long term.
How does working with your s/o affect your personal relationship? Any tips for separating the two? We didnāt talk about work outside of work, because then your relationship is all based off of your job. Obviously we did not ever talk about work but we tried to keep in minimal and focus on us.
What are the positives and negatives to dating someone you work with? Positive is youāre never gonna have to wonder when you will see the person next. Negatives how you both handle it if you break up.
Anything else? N/A
STILL TOGETHER
CASE 1:
Status? Newly married!
Who did you date? Peer at the time, but then he was promoted shortly after. I did not work directly under them, but they were in a higher level position.
Do/did you work together everyday? In what kind of capacity? Peers but separate teams! Definitely saw them often every single day.
How did you go into it wholeheartedly knowing it had a possibility of not working out and affecting your career? It wasnāt whole-hearted off the bat. We went in half hearted because it was a little scary that one of us could be transferred to a different office. We are both super optimistic though and felt like we would work out in the long run, so we got more comfortable with it as time went on.
Did your company know? If not, did people at work know or was it a secret? How did you tell your coworkers if you did? Or did they accidentally find out? Our company does not allow internal dating. If they found out we were together, one of us would be moved to a different office, so we kept it a secret until I left the company. Once I put in my notice we told a select few, and after I had been gone for a few months, we came out on social media. After the insta-post, my now-spouse was confronted by his director, asking if that was the reason I left the company. That same director just attended our wedding and is giving himself credit as match-maker because he hired both of us, so Iād say it worked out fine.
Would you date someone you worked with again/would you recommend it? Yes, I would definitely recommend it. The office is a great place to get to know someone over an extended period of time without the pressure of dating. You can develop a friendship and actually know the quality of their character before you commit to actually going on a date.
What is your advice for dating someone you know at work? Make sure you are just friends for a while first and that you actually know the person before it moves into anything more serious. Take it slow and make sure things donāt progress to anything that would make for an uncomfortable work environment if things didnāt work out. Happy hours with a few of your coworkers make for a great way to see someone out of the office without any pressure of dating.
How does working with your s/o affect your personal relationship? Any tips for separating the two? I think it makes it a lot easier to talk about what we do all day. We understand the job in-depth in a way that wouldnāt be possible if I hadnāt worked there myself. For us, it has been super helpful and I am invested more in his work because I understand it. It makes talking about our days way better!
What are the positives and negatives to dating someone you work with? The negative in my case specifically was no longer being able to work there with them. The positives far outweigh the negative though. I know their job in-depth, I have deep relationships with their coworkers because they were our friends together first, and I just like knowing what he is like at work compared to home/with friends.
Anything else? Iām definitely pro ā dating someone you work with if you do it the right way.
CASE 2
Status? Engaged! Soon to be married this year.
Who did you date? A direct team member (consulting can be odd in that everything is project-based, he helped onboard me and kind of looked over my work, but they didn't "manage" me)
Do/did you work together everyday? In what kind of capacity (peers, superior, separate team, etc.?) We worked together every day, very long hours and our team frequently got dinner together. We didn't start dating for a while after we knew each other. After we started dating we didn't work on the same project team, but we still worked with the same co-workers (I guess call it separate teams at that point).
How did you go into it wholeheartedly knowing it had a possibility of not working out and affecting your career? This was TOUGH. I told myself I would never date someone at work, I didn't want to be "that person", as my career is very important to me (and I'm fairly independent). I think we went a long time liking each other without jumping into anything, there's a risk with telling someone you like them if you work together because if they don't like you back it can be extremely awkward. It was a very slow progression until we finally met out one night when we were out with our friends. After we confirmed that we liked each other (with a slightly drunken kiss) the relationship developed very quickly. I think we sat on the idea of liking each other for so long, we were so ready to jump in when it finally happened.
Did your company know? If not, did people at work know or was it a secret? How did you tell your coworkers if you did? Or did they accidentally find out? I was very nervous about our company finding out. I kept it a secret for a very long time, but that ended up making me more uncomfortable in the end (lying to managers, friends, etc.). I think a few close people knew, and then the word started to spread. After everyone knew I was so relieved. I would suggest finding a way to tell people sooner than later. We did not report it to HR until we were getting married (it was not a break of policy unless we reported to each other or if we were on the same project team, which we were not)
Would you date someone you worked with again/would you recommend it? I think it comes with pros and cons. It can be great that they can relate to the work, but sometimes in a bad way too. If I'm really stressed or focused on something that they think is silly (because theyāre experienced in it too) I don't think they are as supportive as they would be if they didn't have their own opinion/experience with the situation. It can also be awkward if you are a better worker as reflected by promotions and performance reviews (your significant other may feel intimidated). But the HUGE pro is that you probably have similar values, personality, and interests if you are hired by the same company. Also I felt like we spent so much time developing trust and friendship (by not jumping into a relationship), that we are much stronger in the end.
What is your advice for dating someone you know? Approach the situation lightly and be aware/mature that it may not work out and you have to deal with seeing them. If you aren't the kind of person that can deal with that I wouldn't recommend risking your career. Be aware of the policies and don't jeopardize your job. Overall I would say just be smart about it and make sure it's something you REALLY want to commit to due to the high risk involved.
How does working with your s/o affect your personal relationship? Any tips for separating the two? Sometimes in our personal relationship, I find us talking about work a lot. I try to be conscious about this and not always make things about work (and I think they do a good job of this too), but it can be tough to not talk about work since we both relate. As for a tip, but conscious and remind each other if you find yourself doing it.
What are the positives and negatives to dating someone you work with? I kind of went into it in an above answer, but generally, I like that they can understand my work (especially because we are consultants which requires heavy travel and long LONG hours sometimes). A negative would be that work can sometimes feel competitive, it's just easier to compare yourself to each other which I don't think is a good thing because we are totally different people in our working style!
Anything else? I think I covered it all! Overall I'd say dating someone at work can be really rewarding, but make sure it's a relationship you plan to take seriously and not lightly due to the high risk involved. Take steps to keep work and personal life separate by being super conscious about blending the two, and be aware of performance comparisons and how your significant other may feel (e.g. if you get promoted and they don't of if they are having a bad experience and you're having a really good experience).
CASE 3
Status? Married
Who did you date? Peer
Do/did you work together everyday? In what kind of capacity? In the same department, but rarely working on the same projects/initiatives. For small parts of our careers we saw each other daily, but for most parts we did not see each other at work during the week.
How did you go into it wholeheartedly knowing it had a possibility of not working out and affecting your career? Honestly, I should have considered this more :) I think I believed that if we broke up, it would be amicable, so we could have kept working together without impact. I don't think I truly considered how hard it would be if that happened though.
If you broke up how awkward was it/did it affect work? Luckily we never broke up. However, if we are struggling through something at home, it is very hard to not bring it into work. It also constantly feels like the rest of the office is watching you when they know you are together so you have to be extremely conscious of the way you are talking and acting to your significant other. Whether or not everyone WAS watching us, it feels like a fishbowl.
Did your company know? If not, did people at work know or was it a secret? How did you tell your coworkers if you did? Or did they accidentally find out? One of stories we will tell forever is of how my spouse wanted to ask our boss' permission before we dated, as if he was my dad. That was the first person we told, and in our case is was the right move to tell our boss because we both had a personal relationship with him. It also took the pressure off in terms of having to "hide" the relationship. We went to dinner with our closest friends at work shortly after and told them all then. I don't believe anyone ever found out on accident - once we felt like the relationship had reached a secure point, it was easier for us to tell them ourselves
Would you date someone you worked with again/would you recommend it? Obviously my outcome from dating a coworker was positive, but I would not recommend it unless you really know what you are getting yourself into. It could impact your entire career. If I did not see the possibility of marriage as an outcome, I probably would not have pursued the relationship due to the risk.
What is your advice for dating someone you know? Be conscious of the decision you are making. Think through the possible outcomes, and weigh the pros and cons. What will you do if you break up? Can you still be respectful to each other at work? Only take the leap if you calculate the risk first.
How does working with your s/o affect your personal relationship? Any tips for separating the two? We struggle with this a lot - I would not say we've been particularly successful in this yet :) However, one of the ways we do try to separate work from life is to take frequent trips and vacations together. We find it much easier to turn off work when we're away with just each other.
What are the positives and negatives to dating someone you work with? Positive - the possible outcome of ending up with the person that was intended for you forever. Negatives - the effects of breaking up, the difficulty separate yourselves from work.
Anything else? The other thing I would mention is to be confident in your own path at work separate from your significant other. There are times when my spouse has been given opportunities or promotions that weren't given to me, which could easily cause conflict and self-doubt. I have to have an extra dose of self confidence to recognize that I'm on my own path at my own pace that is not better or worse than theirs.
CASE 4
Status? Married for 3 years, together for 7 this year!
Who did you date? Peer - we met in training class.
Do/did you work together everyday? In what kind of capacity? We worked together on the same team and saw four cubicles away from one another.
How did you go into it wholeheartedly knowing it had a possibility of not working out and affecting your career? We went slow but thatās how we both would have done regardless based on how we pursue relationships. We wanted to keep our relationship private and didnāt discuss our relationship with coworkers.
Did your company know? If not, did people at work know or was it a secret? How did you tell your coworkers if you did? Or did they accidentally find out? Most people found out through ānatural attractionā - seeing the way we would look at one another and some even caught them walking me to my car or bringing me lunch.
Would you date someone you worked with again/would you recommend it? I truly depends on the person, their maturity and the rules your company has around fraternizing with a coworker.
What is your advice for dating someone you know? Set boundaries and understand there is a time and place. Do not discuss personal problems at work, do not bring drama into the workplace and most important, avoid PDA in front of coworkers.
How does working with your s/o affect your personal relationship? Any tips for separating the two? We didnāt bring work home. We discussed work problems at work and personal life at home. We also made sure to maintain hobbies independent of each other to create a healthy amount of space within our relationship whether that be working out, hanging with friends, etc.
What are the positives and negatives to dating someone you work with? See above.
Anything else? N/A
CASE 5
Status? Still Together.
Who did you date? We were peers. Weāre both actors. We met touring on a 1st National Tour and were both ensemble cast members.
Do/did you work together everyday? In what kind of capacity? We did work together every day. Since weāre actors, we tend to have several different jobs in a year unless you're working on a long running productions (Broadway, off-broadway, National tours etc). We have only worked together on one contract (the tour where we met) but we stayed on that contract for two years. We were both onstage every night. We did 8 shows a week and So with touring, you kind of live in a bubble. We travel on the same planes, stay in the same hotels, share Airbnbs, eat at the same restaurants near the theater, celebrate birthdays, holidays & child births together. And all of this is on top of going to work and performing the show at night. We did 8 shows/week 6 nights a week plus rehearsals. Itās busy and we saw each other a lot. Which made it easy for us to be friends first. He was also an onstage understudy. Which means he was in an ensemble track every night but covered 2 principal characters in case those actors got sick. So, in their ensemble tracks, Iād see them overnight, but when they was on for their understudy track, I wouldnāt see them until after. It's a weird puzzle of a workplace actors work in. But we were always in the same building at the same time.
How did you go into it wholeheartedly knowing it had a possibility of not working out and affecting your career? The most it would affect my job is that the dynamic in the company could shift or become awkward and when you live in a bubble, thats important. And it was important to me because we had been SUCH good friends before we started dating. We went into it slow and steady. We were already hanging out a lot because we had a close group of friends in the cast. But when we finally decided to make it āofficialā, we went into it knowing that we both were pursuing this relationship because we really cared about each other as friends, as professionals and as partners. If it didnāt work out, we would still respect each other in professional spaces - which is everywhere in āthe bubbleā.
Did your company know? If not, did people at work know or was it a secret? How did you tell your coworkers if you did? Or did they accidentally find out? I know our stage managers, choreographers, music and associate directors knew through the grapevine but they never commented on it. It never got in the way of our work. We were never hanging all over each other with PDA or interfering with the run of the show backstage so it was never an issue professionally. Personally, we tried to keep it close to us at first. I think we told the closest person to us in the cast and then it kind of oozed out. In fact, when they asked me on our first date, I said no because we were friends and I never wanted to date a coworker (the idea felt messy) and my friend in the cast, letās call her Eliza said, ādonāt be ridiculous, you have to go on that date."
Would you date someone you worked with again/would you recommend it? I never wanted to date an actor/coworker. āShowmancesā are so stereotypical. As performers, we tell these wildly romantic stories and spend so much time getting to know each other personally, crushes and relationships form often. I had viewed them as shallow and convenient and I always wanted something more than āyouāre cute and we see each other a lotā. It felt like a unicorn of circumstances for me. This was worth pursuing because we had the same reasons for pursuing each other and we had known each other as friends (and through breakups, actually) for a year. But I would recommend it if you have lots of other things in common OTHER than work.
What is your advice for dating someone you know? The biggest advice Iād offer is make sure you have hobbies and interests in common other than work. And be careful of considering shared trauma as āthings in commonā - that is dangerous. Itās 2020, take care of yourself!
How does working with your s/o affect your personal relationship? Any tips for separating the two? We are constantly looking for work even while weāre working. I've seen other actor couples fall apart when one is consistently booking shows or getting āthe good/big/exciting contractsā while the other is surviving with catering or temp jobs. It gets tough because weāre literally always hustling for the next big job. I would say set a time of day that you have to stop talking about work or a rule that on dates you donāt bring up/complain about work. We also donāt volunteer comments on the other persons work unless we ask for an opinion. Art is so subjective and personal and it can get icky.
What are the positives and negatives to dating someone you work with? Biggest positive - your schedules sync up! It was nice for us to be able to go to the gym at the same time, warm up at the same time, eat meals together etc. Biggest negative - you start to operate as if youāre conjoined - especially if you live together. You gotta make time for you and your friends separately.
Anything else? N/A
HR PERSPECTIVE
CASE 1
My favorite thing to say is āif you decide to date someone at work, they better be THE oneā. Iāve seen so many sad and concerning stories with dating at work. I had a HR manager say to me once āplease donāt date at work. I donāt want to know about your bits and titsā. I know it works for some people, but itās not for me!
SO, what do you think? Would you do it? I meannnnn if you think they could be the one? Just be smart about it!! I hope you have a good Valentineās Day and know that you are loved!
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