Pregnancy Questions in the Workplace
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This is a topic I’ve wanted to write about for a while, but I wasn’t sure how to address it. Most of the time when people inquire about these types of things, they aren’t doing so maliciously… they honestly just don’t know any better. That being said, if you have said these types of things, don’t beat yourself up about it. Now you know and can be more sensitive. Additionally, I’m addressing these things in the workplace, because that is where they have mostly happened for me, but this knowledge can and should be be carried out of the workplace and into every day life.
Everlane Blazer (c/o, wearing a 2 - size down!) | Free People Vegan Leather Skirt (color s/o, similar here and here) | Aerie Sunglasses | Vince Sandals (budget option here!)
Nick and I have been married for 3 years now, going on 4, but the baby questions started back when we got engaged. Obviously I think it is important topic between the couple, which we discussed in pre-marital counseling, but it pretty much should start and stop there. People are different, I get it. Some people are way more open and I know conversations among best friends is one thing, but here’s why you should avoid asking “when are you having kids” or anything along those lines in the workplace.
You don’t know if they have been trying. The very person you are asking could be currently trying without any luck. They could be working through a miscarriage. You honestly have no idea.
You don’t know if they are physically unable to have children. Some people can’t have children and they so wish they could. Asking them when they are going to have kids is a gut punch. Yes, adoption is an option, but it is such a hard and expensive process to get through and I know people who still couldn’t through WITH the funds.
You don’t know if they want children. Women aren’t required to have children. Assuming they want to is kind of old fashioned. I know people who don’t want to due to illnesses that would be passed down, but they really don’t need a reason.
It isn’t your business. And this is the main reason ;) One of my former co-workers was frequently asked and her response was “stay out of my womb”, which I LOVED. When I am asked, one of my favorite things to do is say “ya know, I just started my period” or something along the lines of that (mainly because I’m usually asked when I’m on my period. Is that weird?!). I often am met with a response like “ew, why would you say that” and to that I reply… “well you asked a personal question, so I’m answering personally.” But really! When you ask someone if they are having kids or when, etc, you are literally asking about her cycle. If you don’t want to hear about periods, you shouldn’t be asking about ANYTHING in the cycle.
I’ve had my fair share of being asked. And don’t go glaring at your male counter parts either… A lot of the people who inquire are women, though there are some men peppered in there, in my personal experience. I think the weirdest time for me was when I was in a meeting with a VENDOR and my boss asked me when I was planning on having kids. I was so taken aback the question and the setting, that I quickly deflected and mentioned another co-worker who would have kids before I did. I don’t think it is ever appropriate, but especially not in front of an external contact. I’m typically pretty strong willed in my answers, almost too aggressively at times, so I guess it was good I didn’t bark back. Hah! One time a girl I’d know for I don’t know, 20 years asked me at a party and I was like “wow, that’s a personal question!” She apologized, but I could have for sure been softer. My sister got mad at me and was like “she is one of the nicest people ever” and that is honestly the truth. I don’t know…read the situation and if it might be a weird place to ask, don’t. If I’m going to ask the question, it is typically a private setting, a deep friendship, and/or the moment presents itself. Also, I don’t bark back at older family members. That’s a personal rule though ;)
One more thing… another question I shy away from is “oh, is that your first”? Why does it matter if it is their first child, but more-so, 15%-20% of all pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage. If you ask that question, it might probe an ache for a child they never got to hold. Just be aware! I try to share this thinking with Nick. It makes him sad, because he is never asking something with mal intent. I know that! Just trying to be more aware. If we could be a little bit more sensitive to each other, I think the world would be a better place. Don’t you?
.On a lighter note, I recently styled this blazer with denim shorts here! Wanted to share it again with more of a work look, as it truly is great for the office. Everlane sent me this blazer and suggested I size down to a 2 instead of a 4 and I’m so glad I did. I’m wearing it here as a top, but it works great as a traditional open blazer too. I love these terracotta hues, because they are lighter and will transition very nicely into spring in comparison to my black plaid blazer. I wore it the other day with a lightweight burgundy sweater and dark jeans, to make it feel more fall though. It truly is a well-made and versatile piece!!
Do you have any topic requests for Women in the Workplace Wednesday? Let me know via the comments, DM, or even email!
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